Welcome to the funny relationship quotes list. Below you’ll find a list of funny quotes about relationships, men, women, old age, children, and more. These quotes are great to share with your special someone.
Funny Relationship Quotes
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. – Frederick Ryder
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that. – Steve Martin
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein
Funny Quotes About Women
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. – Joan Rivers
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn
I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. – Rebecca West
Women should be obscene and not heard. – Groucho Marx
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain
Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing. – Sean Williamson
When women go wrong, men go right after them. – Mae West
Funny Quotes About Men
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. – Cher
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
If you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. – John Wayne
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – Mae West
Funny Love & Marriage Quotes
All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. – Leonardo Di Vinci
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. – Aristotle
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. – Tony Curtis
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
Funny Quotes About Children
There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins. – Josh Billings
Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet. – Bill Cosby
Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children. – Sam Levinson
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’. – Joan Rivers
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers. – Socrates
Funny Old Age Quotes
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. – Rita Rudner
We hope you enjoyed our funny relationship quotes and sayings. If you have a quote or saying that you would like to share please use the comment box below.
Filed under Funny Quotes by on Aug 17th, 2012. Comment. 
Funny Quotes and Sayings about Men
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. – Friedrich Nietzsche
Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves. – Tim Allen
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams
A man is only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx
The problem with most men is they’re assholes. The problem with most women is they put up with those assholes. – Cher
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. – Kathy Lette
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend. – Zenna Schaffer
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself — like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. – Jean Kerr
Funny Men Quotes
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’ – Franois Morency
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld
Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. – Anonymous
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. – Oscar Wilde
I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage. – Lara Flynn Boyle
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison. – Tim Allen
On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. – Bruce Willis
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles. – Roseanne Barr
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. – Tim Allen
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. – Socrates
Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to. – Jay Leno
Funny Quotes about Men
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. – Mae West
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
There must be some reason why a man must be convinced, while a woman must be persuaded. – Robert B. Fleming
Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. – Laura Swenson
To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end. – Helen Rowland
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse. – Will Rogers
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’. – Rita Rudner
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego. – Roseanne Barr
Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach failed geography. – Robert Byrne
Thanks for reading our funny quotes about men! Please share your own quotes and sayings with the comment box below.
Filed under Funny Quotes by on Jul 13th, 2012. Comment.
We have tons of funny new year’s quotes and sayings. Share these with your friends or enjoy them yourself and bring in the new year. May this coming year be your best year yet!
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you’ve already met your New Year’s resolution.
Jay Leno
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
P. J. O’Rourke
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.
W.H. Auden
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Bill Vaughn
Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.
Barbara Walters
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square… It’s a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It’s just a few Jews walking around going, ‘sup?
Jon Stewart
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.
Oprah Winfrey
It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? If you didn’t get around to killing yourself on Christmas or New Year’s, boom, there’s Valentine’s Day for you. There should be a holiday after Valentine’s Day called ‘Are you still here?’
Laura Kightlinger
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
William Thomas
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
Bill Vaughn
The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!
Edward Payson Powell
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Anais Nin
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate
Thanks for reading and have a happy new year! Leave your own funny new years comments in the box below.
Filed under Funny Quotes by on Jan 18th, 2012. Comment.
Oh alcohol, how we love thee. Drinking can be great fun and these quotes are evidence of that. Throughout time many famous personalities have enjoyed their share of alcohol, and of course they had something to say about it. People such as Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, Frank Sinatra, and more have expressed their enjoyment of the occasional, or not so occasional, alcoholic beverage.
Funny Quotes about Drinking Alcohol
Below we’ve created a collection of our favorite funny drinking quotes.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth. – George Burns
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra
I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson
I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served. – George Gobel
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we’re not poets. – Dudley Moore
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henry Youngman
I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. – Fred Allen
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. – Stephen Wrigh
This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. – Samuel Johnson
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! – Brian O’Rourke
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. – Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol. – N.F. Simpson
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. – Richard Braunstein
I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. – Edward Abbey
I drink therefore I am. – W.C. Fields
We drink and we die and continue to drink. – Dennis Leary
Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine. – Karl Marx
The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking. – Terry Goodkind
I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior. – Frida Kahlo
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway
Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. – Harold Rudolph
An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor. – Alvan L. Barach
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henry Youngman
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W.C. Fields
They who drink beer will think beer. – Washington Irving
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. – Robert Benchley
I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.” – Henny Youngman
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. – Mark Twain
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Sir Winston Churchill
Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an Oxymoron. – Aaron Howard
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin
If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home. – Jim Jefferies
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on. – Oscar Levant
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. – Frank Sinatra
He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Joe E. Lewis
Funny drinking quotes and sayings are great to share with your friends and family. We’ve at the bar, around the card table, in the garage, or wherever you enjoy having a drink…or five drinks. We hope you enjoyed these funny quotes about drinking alcohol!
Filed under Funny Quotes by on Nov 7th, 2011. Comment.
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