Funny New Year’s Quotes

We have tons of funny new year’s quotes and sayings. Share these with your friends or enjoy them yourself and bring in the new year. May this coming year be your best year yet!

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you’ve already met your New Year’s resolution.
Jay Leno

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
P. J. O’Rourke

The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.
W.H. Auden

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Bill Vaughn

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.
Barbara Walters

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square… It’s a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It’s just a few Jews walking around going, ‘sup?
Jon Stewart

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.
Oprah Winfrey

It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? If you didn’t get around to killing yourself on Christmas or New Year’s, boom, there’s Valentine’s Day for you. There should be a holiday after Valentine’s Day called ‘Are you still here?’
Laura Kightlinger

It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
William Thomas

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
Bill Vaughn

The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!
Edward Payson Powell

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Anais Nin

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate

Thanks for reading and have a happy new year! Leave your own funny new years comments in the box below.