Funny Quotes about Men

Funny Quotes and Sayings about Men

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves. – Tim Allen

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

The problem with most men is they’re assholes. The problem with most women is they put up with those assholes. – Cher

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. – Kathy Lette

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend. – Zenna Schaffer

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself — like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. – Jean Kerr

Funny Men Quotes

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’ – Franois Morency

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. – Anonymous

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. – Oscar Wilde

I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage. – Lara Flynn Boyle

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison. – Tim Allen

On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. – Bruce Willis

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles. – Roseanne Barr

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. – Tim Allen

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. – Socrates

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to. – Jay Leno

Funny Quotes about Men

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. – Mae West

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

There must be some reason why a man must be convinced, while a woman must be persuaded. – Robert B. Fleming

Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. – Laura Swenson

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end. – Helen Rowland

Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse. – Will Rogers

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’. – Rita Rudner

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego. – Roseanne Barr

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach failed geography. – Robert Byrne

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